What is LOVE for you? Tonya McKenzie answers.
Tonya McKenzie is a public relations and leadership consultant. She is also an author, a survivor, a mother and a wife. As an author, Tonya allows herself to be open, vulnerable and unrelenting in the truth that had been stifled for so long. To provide a robust experience for the readers, Tonya allowed a full insight into her childhood and all of the trauma that it had to offer. She is a woman that is driven by the ability to help others through storytelling. She understands that connection is formed through commonalities and triggers that spur emotions.
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Imagine that from this moment on, the verb “to love” does not exist anymore. How do you express yourself when you feel love? In words, actions?
Love is a verb. It’s an action word. It requires action for somebody to act on feelings. The actions taken have to correlate with the feelings. They must be intentionally and not passive.
I grew up in a family that did not say the words I LOVE YOU. They never showed affection. It was actually frowned upon. Hugging was almost an awkward physical activity that was not second nature. But with that, I learned early that it’s not about what you say, but relies heavily on what you do. And that means that you have to pay attention and lean into the people around you, the people in your life. You have to know them, understand them, and even with many imperfections, love them anyways.
In words, simple things mean a lot. “Thank you. I see you. I appreciate you. What do you need? How can I help?“ These are all things that show love. They show compassion. They show grace upon another. That is love. It may not be a hug or a kiss, but a back rub after work, allowing for moments of silence when you know that they were surrounded by chaos and showing that you know them by sometimes providing what they need even before they ask.
🔵 LOVE
You have lived one month without using the word love. Then, it suddenly re-appears, but in the dictionaries it is without definition. You are the person to write it.
love: verb
a selfless action that shows affection, passion, caring, and concern for while being nonjudgmental and protective
🔵 Out of LOVE
In which situation (or inner state of being) did you feel most disconnected or excluded from love? Can you remember and share the thoughts that you were thinking in this state of being?
As a child I felt the most disconnected and excluded from love. I grew up in an unaffectionate home. More disturbing, I never felt like the priority, never felt protected, and our lived were unstable. I had over 21 addresses by the time that I was 18 years old and off to college. i carried a heavy burden of shame and fear that others would look at me and see that my home life was chaotic. As fearful as I was about what each day would bring, I was even more determined to work my way out of the situation. As a young person, I was driven by what I wanted my life to look like. I worked really hard to avoid dealing with the feelings.
I would see what i wanted my life to look like on TV. Storylines that brought me to tears would leave me craving those types of interactions. I truly felt excluded from the romanticized and fantastical depiction of love.
🔵 Returning into LOVE
When you have been out of Love, how do you help yourself to re-enter?
As a women married almost 20 years, I have always believe that couples split up because they have allowed themselves to grow apart. They grow apart to a point that they wake up one day and do not know the person that they are laying next to. They realized that the feelings that they have are for somebody that no longer exists. For a couple that wants to work it out, they commit to re-engaging. So, yes, you can re-enter love. Personally, I never let it get that far. When I feel like distance is growing, I address it. However, one person cannot fight for a relationship. Love has to be all in from both parties.
▷Ask me a question about LOVE
With so many reality shows, people want what they sometimes see on TV. How damaging is that? Are there any reality shows that honestly display the essence of love?
Mirjam: I did not come across one. But also, to be honest, I seldom watch TV, I prefer to read. So I am thinking back now to a time when I did watch TV or series. I can’t speak of reality shows as I did not watch enough of them to have an opinion.
However, I can well speak about (romantic) movies and series. Many of them tell a love story that is still the prince-story. Life is average, prince comes, some struggles to be overcome, prince and princess are together, love is there, the end.
This is dangerous because it is well possible — more than that: it is our duty — to BE IN LOVE regardless of having a partner, of being in love with someone, so to speak.
The essence of love, for me, is: to accept yourself as you are right now, beauty and flaws and (perceived) shortcomings and all included — while being aware of your potential, having the belief in your capacity to realize it, the patience to do so and compassion when you struggle. This applies to self and to another person.
We cry in romantic movies because someone sees the true potential and core of the main character. And enables her to see her own beauty herself.
So the movies and series DO refer to this essence of love in their storytelling — but they way too often give this skillset to the other person. The prince (or the princess). They give the power of love into the hands of someone outside.
And while I believe that there are aspects to love that we can only experience through and with (the portal of) another person, it is our duty to prepare for that. I consider it as mine.
🔵 Almost Lovers
Let me start by saying what an almost lover is for me. An almost lover is a person, with whom you feel SO yourself, SO creative, SO in love that you feel — this is my life partner. However, an almost lover does not want to be with you. Did you have an experience like this? And if so — did your almost love story lead to important inner and outer transformations in your life that you are now grateful for? Which are your favorite two ones?
I had an almost love early in my adulthood. I was all in. I think that he wanted to be all in but, I believe that he wanted what he saw on television. He wanted something that didn’t really exist and never fully engaged to chase a dream.
I decided long before that, never have regrets. Those moments when you are on cloud-9 even when the other person is not, is nothing to regret. That feeling was yours. At that moment, you let go of fears, self-consciousness, and doubts.
I have always been thankful for the ability to even live through those moments. As I got older, I would only regret the wasted time but never the feeling, even if it wasn’t returned. A heart full of love and gratitude feels much better than regret and resentment.
🔵 On Leaving
What happens to (your) LOVE when a partner/ crush/ lover — someone you have been in love with — leaves you?
Because of my childhood and my abandonment issues, I have always had moments of fear of my husband leaving me. When those moments come up, I communicate that to him. That openness works in two ways. I take myself to a place emotionally where I prepare myself for the worst case scenario, in the case that it ever happens. It gives him the opportunity to be honest and open up about anything that he may want to discuss. For 21 years, he has reaffirmed that I am making up things in my head. Brene Brown talks about how we make up stories in our mind. To remedy that, communication is the key.
🔵 LOVE Quotes
There are many love-quotes out there. Which is your favorite one on true romantic love — and why?
“My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.” ~Maya Angelou
▷ Ask a question that you wished someone would have asked you
Getting married and staying married are two different things. How have you been able to stay married for 20 years?
Thank you!
Connect with Tonya on Instagram.
What is LOVE for you?
is a Love interview series by author Mirjam Grupp.
Share what love is for you. Get in contact at bymirjam.com.
